Spencer's Pain
by gothina234
Summary: There is only so much pain a person can endure before they have to scream at the world for an answer. Spencer finds the pain too much to bear after everything that has happened. Spoilers inside for the episode 'Nelson's Sparrow'. You have been warned.


**Hey, everyone. I will send out this warning. This contain spoilers for this week's episode 'Nelson's sparrow'. Do not read this if you don't want spoilers for that episode or haven't seen it. I hope you like this little one shot and I just had to do it after seeing the episode.  
**

**SPOILER'S AHEAD!**

**Enjoy and please review**

**All mistakes are my own**

The case was over and Gideon's killer was dead but Reid couldn't bring the swirl of dark thoughts of grief and pain under control. He had walked into his apartment but couldn't stay there. He had returned to the cabin when the day had grown dark and now stared at it intently. Memories of Gideon bringing him here and playing chess with him during the tough times after Tobias came to the front of his mind. Tears dripped down his cheeks as his heart ached with the pain of losing the man whom had brought him into the BAU and shown him a path of helping people and using his genius to make the world a safer place. Gideon had been a better father to him than his own biological one. He had helped him through his drug addiction and taught him so much. Even though he'd not spoken to Gideon since he had left, he had always remembered the good times and everything that he had taught him.

Reid stumbled past the cabin and followed a path through the forest to a nearby lake that Gideon had regularly sat in front of in the past during their visits. He stood at the edge of the lake and listened to the silent world around him. The moon brought light to his surroundings as he looked around. His face crumpled as he began to sob heavily into his hands. He collapsed to his knees and began to shake uncontrollably.

He didn't understand the world around him any more.

His fists beat the ground beneath him. "AHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed out in anger at the lake. Every emotion he had kept back during the case now poured from his soul. Stones and sticks cut into his hands as he hit the ground but he didn't care.

He leaned over and began to breathe heavily. "I don't understand," Reid cried uncontrollably. He spoke to the darkness around him. It was something that could never speak back to him. It would keep his pain inside of its shadows. "Maeve died and now you took away Gideon. What did I ever do to the world that it takes away the people I care about? WHAT DID I DO?!"

Laying down on the ground, the tears never stopped as he let it all out. There was something about him. Something wrong. Some phantom curse of death he brought to others. They died while he lived on with the pain of losing them. This was his life. To love and to then lose the ones he loved. A cruel life.

* * *

**The Next Morning**

Morgan walked up the stairs of Reid's apartment building but frowned when he saw that Reid's apartment door was slightly open. He walked in and looked around but couldn't find his friend. Reid's bag was next to the door. He searched it but didn't find Reid's phone. He pulled out his phone and dialled Garcia's number.

"Morgan, what is it?" she asked as she picked up the phone.

"Garcia, I need you to track down Reid's phone. I came to check on him this morning but his door was open and his bag is by the door but there isn't any sign of him."

"Give me a minute and I'll track him down. Morgan, please tell me nothing has happened to him. We lost Gideon and we can't lost him. Oh, what if he's done something to himself?"

"Garcia, just find him. He barely held on through the case. We need to make sure he's okay. I wanted to stay with him last night but he wanted to be alone."

"Morgan, I found him. He's at Gideon's cabin. I'll meet you there."

* * *

**Cabin**

Garcia pulled up just as Morgan left his car. She rushed to his side and held his hand in a crushing grip. They were about enter the cabin when Morgan spotted a footprint in the dirt. Garcia walked by his side as they followed the footprints. They froze as they came near the lake and saw a skinny figure laying on the ground near the water. A skinny figure that could only belong to Reid.

Garcia let go of Morgan's hand and rushed down the path. She knelt and placed her fingers to Reid's neck. She cried with relief that he was alive. Morgan came to her side and touched Reid's skin to find it ice cold. Dried tears decorated Reid's cheeks while his eyes were puffy and red. Morgan ripped off his jacket and covered Reid's upper body with it.

"How long has he been out here?" Garcia asked as she tapped Reid's cheek. "Baby boy, wake up. Reid, you're scaring me."

"We need to get him somewhere warm and clean his hands," Morgan said as he took in the slight blue tinge to his friend's lips.

"His hands?" Garcia said with confusion. She gasped gently as she took in his bloody hands. "Oh, what did you do to yourself?"

Morgan swept Reid into his arms and didn't like that Reid had not stirred at all. He rushed up the path with Garcia quickly behind him.

* * *

**Garcia's apartment**

Garcia finished wrapping Reid's scraped, cut and bloody hands. She threw the crimson stained wipes into the bin and put the other supplies on the desk. They had brought Reid back to her apartment and changed him into some of Sam's clothes that he kept at her place. Two hot water bottles rested against Reid's body while a giant duvet over him gave him warmth and comfort. She looked up as she heard a creak. The team stood at the doorway of her bedroom. Rossi and Hotch walked to the bed while JJ and Kate came to her.

Morgan appeared in the room and walked to the bed. "He was just laying on the ground. Why was he at the cabin?"

"We can find out when he wakes up. How bad are his hands?" Hotch said.

"There was some blood on the ground. I think he must have either fell or hit the ground. They're scraped and cut badly but they'll heal. Garcia cleaned and wrapped them up well. He must have been at the cabin all night," Morgan sighed.

"I thought he was dead," Garcia said shakily. "He was so still and his skin was so cold."

"He's alive and he's safe," JJ comforted. "He's not going anywhere."

"Hmmm..." Reid moaned from the bed. He slowly opened his eyes to see the team around him. "W-Where am I?"

"My apartment," Garcia said soothingly before her bottom lip wobbled. "We found you unconscious by the lake at Gideon's cabin. What on earth were you doing there?"

"Nothing," Reid lied as he looked away from the team.

"Kid, don't lie to us. I saw the dried tears down your cheeks. Your hands are scraped and cut too. What were you doing there?"

"I just want to be left alone," Reid said angrily. "What I do with my life is my business."

"Can I speak with Reid alone?" Rossi asked the rest of the team. Hotch nodded and motioned for the rest of team to step out of the room. Rossi sat on the edge of the bed as they did and looked at Reid. "Reid, what happened last night? I lost a friend too, we all did."

"He was more than that," Reid shook his head as tears came to the edge of his eyes. "He was the man that brought me into the BAU and guided me through so many tough times. He was the father figure in my life for so many years and now he's gone. Even in his absence, his voice guided me in cases and through my life. There's something wrong with me. People who get close to me die in the most horrible ways. It's all my fault. I brought death to him. Everyone I care about dies. I went to the cabin and I screamed at the world. Morgan told me to keep it together through the case and I did but I can't any more. I have lost too much and I can't cope. First Maeve and now, I lost Gideon."

Rossi's heart ached as he saw the pain and sadness in Reid's brown eyes. Reid let out a sob before speaking again. "Both murdered and I saw both their bodies. Gideon was a good man and he saved so many lives. Maeve was a beautiful, smart and kind woman and she didn't deserve to die. She deserved to live a full life but she met me and I got her killed. IT'S MY FAULT! There is something wrong with me!"

Rossi brought Reid into a hug and held him tightly. Reid tried to break away but eventually leaned against him and cried. "There's something wrong with me."

"No, there isn't," Rossi soothed. "Don't ever think that. You didn't do anything to cause their deaths. Gideon was killed by the past and Maeve was killed by Diana, a woman obsessed. You didn't kill them and there is nothing wrong with you. You brought a bright light to both their lives. You gave Maeve true love and Gideon saw you as a son to guide and keep safe in the world. I know it hurts inside but you can't blame their deaths on yourself. None of this was your fault. It's okay to let the pain out. It's okay."

"I want them back," Reid sobbed heavily. "I don't want to lost anyone else."

"I don't plan on going anywhere soon and the others aren't planning to go anywhere. We're here and we're your family. We'll take care of you."

Hotch appeared at the doorway and looked in to see Rossi holding Reid and comforting him. They shared a look that told each other everything.

Reid needed his family more than ever if he was going to survive. They had lost Gideon and they were not about to lose Reid.

**Please review**


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